Today I was watching The Nature of Things on CBC, and one part of the program really stood out to me.
The documentary explored the difference between status and likability in adolescence.
Status is often about being noticed. It can come from being the loudest, the toughest, the funniest, or even the most intimidating person in the room. These are the students who often seem to have influence because others pay attention to them.
Likability is different.
Likability is built on trust, kindness, empathy, cooperation, and genuine relationships. These are the students who make others feel safe, included, and valued.
What fascinated me was that the research discussed in the program suggested that while high-status youth were more likely to display aggressive behaviours and, over time, experience more challenges such as substance use and poorer long-term outcomes, the youth who were well-liked by their peers were more likely to achieve academically, develop healthy relationships, and even pass those positive relationship skills on to their own children.
As someone who works in schools every day, this immediately made me think about emotional regulation.
Aggression is rarely the root problem.
More often, it is a response to an overwhelmed nervous system.
A child whose brain is living in fight-or-flight may use control, intimidation, humour, or dominance to gain a sense of safety. From the outside, it can look like confidence or popularity. Inside, however, their nervous system may simply be trying to survive.
On the other hand, children who are able to regulate their emotions are often better equipped to:
- Build meaningful friendships.
- Resolve conflict respectfully.
- Work collaboratively.
- Focus on learning.
- Show empathy toward others.
- Recover from disappointment and setbacks.
These are not just “nice” qualities. They are life skills.
Sometimes, as adults, we unintentionally reinforce status instead of connection. We celebrate the loudest voice, the biggest personality, or the most competitive child, while overlooking the quiet student who consistently includes others, helps a classmate, or creates a sense of belonging.
Imagine if our schools, sports teams, camps, and communities celebrated emotional regulation with the same enthusiasm we celebrate achievement.
Imagine if we taught children that true leadership isn’t about having power over others—it’s about helping others feel safe enough to be themselves.
This is why emotional regulation matters so much.
When children learn to understand what is happening inside their bodies, recognize their emotions, and develop healthy ways to respond, they don’t just become calmer. They become better friends, better teammates, better learners, and eventually, better parents, partners, and leaders.
Regulation creates connection.
Connection builds belonging.
And belonging gives children the foundation they need to thrive.
Perhaps one of the greatest gifts we can give the next generation isn’t teaching them how to become the most popular person in the room.
It’s helping them become the person others genuinely want to be around.
Emotional regulation may be one of the foundations of likability. Children who can recognize and manage their emotions are more likely to build trusting relationships, show empathy, resolve conflict, and create genuine connections. Rather than teaching children to chase status, we should be helping them develop the self-awareness and regulation skills that lead to lasting relationships and lifelong well-being. This perspective aligns with research distinguishing status-based popularity from genuine likability.
References
Research on popularity, likability, aggression, and long-term outcomes
Dijkstra, J. K., Cillessen, A. H. N., Lindenberg, S., & Veenstra, R. (2010). Same-Gender and Cross-Gender Likeability: Associations With Popularity and Status Enhancement. Journal of Early Adolescence, 30(6), 773–802. https://doi.org/10.1177/0272431609350926
Prinstein, M. J., & Cillessen, A. H. N. (2003). Forms and Functions of Adolescent Peer Aggression Associated With High Levels of Peer Status. Merrill-Palmer Quarterly, 49(3).
Prinstein, M. (2017). Popular: Why Being Liked Is Better Than Being Popular. Simon & Schuster.