repost from, dated March 26, 2021

This week I introduce to you, someone who I consider a part of my family, her name is Ashley Loucks.  Her story is huge, it is unique, it is inspiring and empowering showing confidence and heartache.  Her strength and determination, and her reflection of her true authentic self is beautiful.  

I helped train her to become a lifeguard/instructor, and watched her head off to university.  I then watched her become an amazing mom, and turn into the beautiful woman I know today.

Pulling up the big girl panties, or…

In her fourth year of university, she became pregnant after just entering a two month relationship.  I can remember her feeling devastated, knowing that her life was changing drastically, and it would be so foreign and unknown to her.

She came to the decision after much thought went into it, there was only one way she could do this, and it was to pull her big girl panties up or take responsibility and welcome this beautiful baby into her life. 

She had the realization of knowing she had support every where she turned, she was a capable person, and she knew it was the only right thing to do for the both of them.

Her baby boy was born, and she knew the decision she made was more then right, because he was her light.

…and baby makes two, maybe

Her family would start to grow, as she had become pregnant again,  but this time, the little life would make a mark on Ashley’s life in tragedy.  

Ashley would hear many times, and I might have said one of these, as I don’t understand the pain and heartache her and many others go through with miscarriages:

  • It’s not your fault
  • Nothing could have been done to prevent this
  • It would have happened no matter what

For Ashley, no matter how many times she heard this, it never gave her heart peace.  She was meant to grow this little being inside her, and felt failure and being able to do so.

There was a loss, a void, something that could never be filled.  

She would never bring home the bundle of joy she was planning.

She would never watch the wonders of the world, through this baby’s eyes.

She was never able to kiss it goodbye, because it was so little, no where the size of stillborn to hold in her arms.

Ashley had gone for an ultrasound at 12 weeks, and found out the baby had stopped growing at 8 weeks.  She had surgery then, because her body was unable to pass the baby.

She started to question herself on how could she not feel or know the baby die, and she didn’t know that the little life had stopped beating. 

Before she knew the baby passed, she saw signs of miscarriage everywhere she went, it was like it haunted her.

The first baby she had almost thought of abortion, of giving it up… and now, she lost this one, it felt like karma.

Shortly after, a rainbow baby came into their lives

Life doesn’t slow down, it doesn’t stop just because you are grieving, you feel guilty that you could not give that baby a life it deserved.

Ashley and her partner found out they were expecting baby number three, and every precaution was taken.

They had a healthy baby girl, who is their flame, a spitfire who knows what she wants and goes after it, just like her mom.

Four weeks, but still just as tragic

Ashley found out she was pregnant on one Thrusday morning, the feelings of happiness were not present.  Ashley would not have enough time to understand the why, because she lost the little one only four days later on Monday.

The baby was only 4 weeks old, but the feelings of devastation were very prevalent.

Ashley now…

They welcomed another baby in, their warrior, the one who shows them the strength and integrity of a family.  I’ve asked Ashley write about her life when she found out about their fifth baby.  It is a truly inspiring story.

To say what Ashley is doing now, well she operates her own sewing company, Ashley Loucks Knits, where she sews beautiful knit baby clothing and other fun things.

She is also a certified Doula, and is in the process of revamping her business, to better help woman in motherhood.